Unemployment, its a full time job too you know!

// August 5th, 2009 // Not Serious

(please note that this is just for fun, some creative writing practice and does not mean to offend people working very hard to find jobs, like Annett. It’s just satire bitches…)

I be tired of people being baggin’ on the unemployed. You people need to wake up and smell the special brew! Believe me, it ain’t easy…

Sometime there’s nothing you want less than to get up at midday and sit around the house in your pants watching chat shows. But you do. You do it because that’s your job (and you don’t have the disposable income to be able to do anything else, but that’s incidental). Sure it’s not a well paying job, but sometimes it ain’t about the money, you do that shit for the love of it and because it feels right to be contributing something proper to society. Like last night when I was pilfering from dumpsters I got to thinking – why sure I ain’t got an official uniform or road legal transport but heck, I’m as good as a binman. Don’t get shit all credit for that though do I?

Yeah, yeah yeah, I see you all there looking down at me thinking you got it so easy up there in your big bamboo tower. Well this job ain’t easy! Your world got rules, you know how the game is played, if you want to progress you can:

1. Sleep with your boss

2. Get your colleagues drunk, extract secrets from them and blackmail them.

3. Steal the good ideas of your coworkers and underlings and pass them off as your own.

We don’t have bosses so that’s out, well there is this one guy Bumhead who hangs out with the guys down the park where I’m drinking most days. He’s a little older than the rest of us, real bitchin’ vacant stare and a bushy ginger unkempt beard, we all sort of look up to him, he’s been at this game a long time so I guess he’s sort of a boss, but he’s basically always drunk and he doesn’t seem to have any secrets, he just mumbles vowels most of the time. I remember once although the memory is a little hazy from earlier cider consumption – he climbed up a tree and started to howl like a dog, but I don’t think he was revealing much but an apititude for method acting and arborism.

What can we do to get ahead? Don’t you think we have big dreams as well? I want to take my new career all the way, to the top 1% of unemployment – homelessness. Sure it won’t be easy, but I’ve got a loving family who would support me no matter what I did. So I’ve got to think up some real bad hare-brained scheme to make them give up on me. Look out ma, I’m a coming – hide your jewellery….

Now who feels stupid, wasting all that money on a “Business Studies” degree, fat lot of fucking good that did me, the only economy of scale(s) I see is when fat jim comes round with my pot. There’s no course you can do that prepares you for this job, oh no wait there is – Media Studies. But I didn’t do that, oh no wait I did, but just an AS level. Yeah of course with hindsight I should have carried on with it, got me a fancy PHP but back then I couldn’t see any future in it….

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  • florian
    I guess you're right: no updates for quite some time...lighten up our days, guv, hop to it!
  • fletchy
    I thought I'd lost you as a reader a long time ago Flo ;)

    I'll see what I can do....
  • dear old dad
    son lying around on the flat couch in your underpants masturbating to childrens afternoon programming is no way to go through life. grow some hair and get a job!
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