Growing up adults (parents, teachers etc) often utter phrases like “you can never be the best, there’s always someone else in the world who’s better”. I assume this is to help prepare us for the soul crushing dis-appointment we will face in the adult world. I always laughed at this type of comment. I can say without any doubt that i’m the best in the world at one particular thing. That thing is believing that I could be the best in the world at anything, but mostly things i’ve never done and have no idea of. Even though some-days I can barely manage getting showered. I’m confident that should the pilot and co-pilot of the plane I’m about to board both slipped into tedium induced coma (in my head flying consists mainly of spinning around on your chair and cracking “houston we have” gags), I would be able to glide us down from the sky and land on a shiny penny. After all I’ve seen that movie with Nicholas Cage that involved a plane.

So its with this mindset that I’m writing from the pleasure of stansted waiting lounge, humbled. I’m humbled by the book “things i’ve argued with my girlfriend about”. Its exactly the sort of book I want to write, with one crucial difference its better than anything I could write. It reads like a biography but its fiction. It follows a guy who is as funny as i’d like to be, but am not. He works in IT. Or at least pretends to have a vague idea about IT but still gets paid for it. I actually do work, so again he has a fortuitous position over me. He has a German girlfriend!? I thought I was the only english person stupid lucky enough to have taken on the charitable task of making a German girl internationally date-able (Pete doesn’t count he’s “british” or some other technicality like that). The German disease is not like flu, at least I’m aware of no pills that can cure brutal sledgehammer honesty and obsessive planning?

The book follows their life as a couple (they also have two children). Not sure what else yet i’m only 1/3 of the way through, but looks like it will involved triads (can’t say fairer than triads). But sometimes the likeness between Annett and I and the couple in this book is scary. The way they interact is so reminiscent of our unique blend of dysfunctional function and her mannerisms and saying are so Annett. They’ve spent a lot of the book arguing so far. His weapon is deathly sharpened sarcasm, her’s blunt violence or at least the threat of blunt violence. Annett and I argue more in one hour than I’ve ever argued with any of my previous girlfriend’s in the whole of our relationships, combined. But I’m okay with that, its part of our style. I’m in no doubt that if Annetts Mastermind subject would be “the stupidity of men”. I have a role to play, so i’m okay with reaching for the dunce hat every once in a while. Especially as being annoyed is Annett’s biggest talent, to deny her further practice could seriously damage her world title challenge.

Below is a brief If I-had-to-sum-up-the-first-few-months-of-our-relationship-it-would-be:

Annett:

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“3 legged bastards.”

“If you hate me you could just say so”

“that’s mean/that’s not fair”

“you inbred island monkey”

Me:

“your a freakin’ nutjob”

“Not all men are evil. Some men are even “not that bad”, we employ the satanic ones to create a very achievable benchmark for ourselves”

“are you sure your not a lesbian?”

I’ve wandered off my original point, which I guess is that now I need a new book idea since the anglo-german relationship has been covered at great, much funnier length than I could do justice. So my best in the world theory is blown yet again, I guess the solution is to pretend that all my ideas are completely unique and never try to find those that have already done them, better.

I’m back from hols now, great to back in the ‘zig. Nice to have some downtime, more to come hopefully,

Now I await the fun of the argument this post will produce