Adam Fletchers – The Zig

The English and Snow

// February 23rd, 2010 // Not Serious, People, oddities

I wrote this post a month or so ago but forgot to put it up…

(good example of the topic of this post)

I’ve not been in Leipzig for a few weeks now and I hear the snow has arrived, this morning I was watching a little breakfast TV at Annett’s, the first time, well, since the last time I was at Annett’s I guess since I don’t have a TV and even if I did at the time I normally get up it would be lunchtime TV instead. In Amsterdam they have BBC, so it was English breakfast news TV. I’m aware the English has a reputation for talking about the weather. I don’t want to wander into too many cultural clichés, but spend 15mins with my Dad, or spend 15mins watching English breakfast TV and they’ll be absolutely no doubt about our preoccupation with the sky, and what might or might not fall from it. It’s snowing in England now, they told me on the breakfast news, actually that’s all they told me again and again. England during snow is a hilarious place. We get snow pretty much every year, at least once. Not always lots, but at least once a year at some point. Yet we react as if, completely out of the blue our right leg would just fall off right now, onto the floor as if it were a snap on plastic Mr Potato head leg. It’s not as if one person reacts like this, collectively as a nation we are scramble to understand why our right leg just fell off, what it means, when it will stop, how we reattach it, what will happen to the left leg and most importantly who is to blame?!?!

This is the scene across the nation as people rush to stand by their windows and inform everybody that:

“It’s snowing. Look at that!”
“Oh, did you see, it’s snowing?”
“Did you see, yeah? Come look! Do you see that? Oh, now we’re in for it. Put the radio on, check if your school is closed there’s snow out there. I better go out and de-ice the car and clear the path, it’s snowing. Call all the relatives and warn them it’s snowing.”
“Mum, I think they have windows.”
“Just do it. You can never be too careful with snow.”
“Pop the TV on! Let’s see what they are saying about the snow.”

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sshb/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

“Good morning from us here at Hello Sunshine, Good Morning England Breakfast TV and today our top story is – BRITAIN IN CHAOS. A nation is gripped in terror today after the latest attack of – from frozen weather. It’s too early to tell who is to blame, an early report citing that Al-Qaeda have taken credit for the attack have not yet been confirmed.
Earlier we found this old man wandering the streets looking for his dog and asked him what he thought” -

Roving Reporter: “Old man wandering the streets, what do you think about the snow?”

Old man: “What?”

Roving Reporter: “The snow, what do you think about the snow?”

Old man: “Say what now? Go? I was already going it was you who stopped me, moron.”

Roving Reporter: “T-H-E S-N-O-W!”

Old man: “Oh snow. Never seen anything like it. Worst snow I’ve seen since 1940. Did you see my dog?”

Roving Reporter: “Where did you see it last sir?”

Old man: “Well if I remembered that, it would probably not be lost would it?”

Roving Reporter: “Fair point. Back to the studio.”

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jollyboy/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Studio news reporter 1: “Welcome back, an update now on our main story reports are coming from a reliable sources stating this is the worst snow outbreak since 1940. People are warned to stay in their homes at all times. Do not let your pets outside as we are hearing reports of pet loss caused by, yes you guessed it – the snow outbreak.”

Studio news reporter 2: “Next up here on Hello sunshine, good morning England Breakfast TV a special report – SNOW – the silent killer! Since the snow epidemic began its reign of terror over England estimates predict approximately 60 elderly people have died.

We are joined by the BBC’s health correspondent Moira Blankard, Moira 60 direct deaths from the snow? Can you tell us more?”

Moira Blankard: “Yes you are correct, Mike. We have now heard suggestions that up to 60 elderly people have now died as a direct result of contracting what we are now calling Snow Flu. Snow Flu which is of course the latest deadly flu to trouble middle-class people with too much time on their hands, who watch too much TV, coming directly after the Avian Flu and Swine Flu epidemics.”

Studio news reporter 2: “So can you tell us how soon these 60 people died after contracting Snow Flu?”

Moira Blankard: “At this point Keith we are not exactly sure since the old people were already sadly dead when we found them.”

Studio news reporter 2: “But you can confirm they had this deadly new flu strand?“

Moira Blankard: “Not exactly, but if you look out of your window you’ll see that’s snowing, and these old people were found just recently, after the first snow reports across the country, suggesting a strong correlation between snow flu and death.”

Studio news reporter 2: “Do we know how the virus is spread?”

Moira Blankard: “Yes, Stuart, good question, it appears it can be contracted as a direct result of contact with snow, or being cold in general for too long.”

Studio news reporter 2: “How long is too long?”

Moira Blankard: “Difficult to say, for the elderly any amount of time can be too long, since they are elderly and a stiff breeze can be enough to knock them into the next life in some cases, they do make a habit of dying.”

Studio news reporter 2: “What advice are the government giving to people then Moira? What can we be doing to reduce the risk of infection?”

Moira Blankard: “Layers, Mark. Layers. We are hearing some reports that you should take the number of layers you would normally wear and then time that number by the square route of your age to get an indication how many layers you should be wearing during the snow pandemic.”

Studio news reporter 2: “Thanks for joining us today, Moira!”

Moira Blankard: “Pleasure”.

Studio news reporter 2: “Now let’s go to Abbie Walsh with the weather. Got any good news for us Abbie?”

Abbie Walsh: “Haha. Oh I wish Rob, but unfortunately not at the moment, ha ha. Hi everyone and it’s only bad news from me, I’m afraid, let’s take a look at our map of the UK here. You can see as we’ve been reporting earlier in the show – SNOW!! Snow here in the north, east, south and also reports of snow here in the west. We are unsure how long the snow will last, it’s because of this area of low pressure here somewhere, hard to see it because of the snow, but it’s around here somewhere which is pushing down that already low pressure and it just makes things lower and all that pressure results in the snow you can see here and no doubt out of your windows as well, ha ha. Please be extra careful and where possible avoid all unnecessary trips at this time, we do have reports that in an obscure place you’ve never heard of they are reporting up to 100cms of snow fall. So to recap – a chilly few days ahead, stay indoors, layers.
Over to your Richard.”

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stevey/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Studio news reporter 1: “Thanks Abbie, let’s cross now to our reporter out on the street, no doubt a very chilly street. I’m rather glad to be in here, ha ha, Mark Williams joins us and he is in Birmingham. Morning Mark, how is the weather there?”

Roving Reporter: “Snow Sam, snow here. Just take a look around for yourself. Same story here in Birmingham. I’m standing surrounded by cars simply abandoned here probably because of the snow. People simply getting out and leaving their cars, preferring to try their luck walking in these treacherous conditions.”

Studio news reporter 1: “Oh that’s terrible, where specifically in Birmingham are you Mark?”

Roving Reporter: “I’m in a car park, Jimmy.”

Studio news reporter 1: “In a car park, and if you’ve just joined us, by way of a recap – the UK is under siege by a Snow Pandemic, our roving reporter Sam stands surrounded by empty abandoned cars in a car park in Birmingham.  Sam have you spoke to some of the local people in Birmingham, how are they coping?”

Roving Reporter: “Yes Phil, I’m actually joined now by a disgruntled man and an anxious woman.

Roving Reporter: “Disgruntled man, the snow, what are your thoughts?”

Disgruntled man: “Well I’m extremely disgruntled Sam, it’s chaos here in Birmingham. People unable to get to work, abandoned cars, dead old people, just a lot of disruption to normal routines. For example today is Tuesday, on Tuesday’s I like to hide in the woods near the High School and flash-sorry-monitor the girls there, you know to make sure they are safe from cyber bullying, anorexia etc. Couldn’t do that. School closed. Chaos. This is not life, is it? Just cut that middle bit out of the wotsit thingy, will ya?.”

Roving Reporter: “There you heard it from the horse’s mouth so to speak, ha ha ha, this disgruntled man reporting high levels of disgruntlement.

Now let’s turn to anxious woman, anxious woman, how are you coping?”

Anxious Woman: “Well, I’d just like to say that I’m extremely concerned and somewhat anxious about how we are going to get out of this situation. I personally blame the government, and foreigners.”

Roving Reporter: “You blame foreigners? What do they have to do with the snow?”

Anxious Woman: “Well, I’m not a racist, some of my best friends are 1/32 Irish after all, but I’m afraid Sam they are the straw that’s broken the proverbial camels back this time. Our transport system, heating, electricity systems, a nationwide network of service all pushed to breaking point at this time and would it be this way without all these foreigners here making demands of these services? Coming over here and taking our heating. I think, it’s the Governments fault for their lax immigration requirements. England for the English, heating for the cold, is that too much to ask Mr Prime Minister? Tell me that…”

Roving Reporter: “There you go, anxious woman and disgruntled man thanks for your thoughts. From a city in chaos, back to you in the studio Jack.”

Studio news reporter 1: “Thanks Sam. So you heard it here first foreigners – are they to blame for Snow Flu? We ask that question to the general public in our daily poll and the results are in:

13% voted: ‘Yes, probably.’

87% voted: ‘Joe McElderry’

Studio news reporter 1: “Well, certainly surprising and controversial votes there. Let’s get word direct from the government now as Will is joined by Health Minister Stuart Smythe-Jones.”

Studio news reporter 2: “Stuart welcome to the show.”

Stuart Smythe-Jones: “Good Morning Shamus. Pleasure to be here, thanks for having me.”

Studio news reporter 2: “So Stuart, the Snow terrorism, did the government see it coming and are they doing enough?”

Stuart Smythe-Jones: “Well, yes we certainly did have credible intelligence of such an attack and took preemptive action to minimize its effect.”

Studio news reporter 2: “Then why are we hearing reports of elderly people dying, pets lost, abandoned cars in car parks, layers?”

Stuart Smythe-Jones: “Well, perhaps we were a little surprised by the size of the attack but I have every confidence in local emergency services who will be diligently working to minimize any disruption. We have also secured emergency supplies of Snow Flu vaccine – Lemsip, which will be distributed to those most affected with immediate effect. We are also considering additional security checks at airports to minimize chances of another attack, we’re not sure exactly what to check yet, at this point it’s looking like maybe, the inner ear, reports suggest many WMD can fit in the average persons inner ear.”

Studio news reporter 2: “Thanks Stuart”

Stuart Smythe-Jones: “Pleasure.”

Studio news reporter 1: “Next up a recap of our main story before we go to Abbie with the weather.”
Snow Flu Pandemic – A nation mourns, elderly man still not found dog, our advice – layers….