Making a circus of a parade
// August 23rd, 2008 // New Zealand
Not all that much happens in New Zealand. I guess this is why in years gone by England sent its criminals out this way. The assumption being that those who didn’t die on the 7 year boat trip just to arrive, were probably far enough away, and happy enough to have solid ground under their feet that they were unlikely to try and get back. For that reason no countries send things they like very much to visit NZ, I guess for the fear that the journey is so long that they might get tired and not bothered coming back. For this reason we only get to play with the toys you’re all already bored of, like Phil Collins, who was number 1 here recently and is thought of as a promising young up and coming musician. We mainly entertain ourselves mucking around in/on the sea, snow or mountains and try not to get offended when no-one wants to come over and play with us.
For this reason, when something does happen, when we do have an event it’s a pretty big deal, because as I said already, nothing really happens here. This week we had one of the cultural highpoints of the NZ arts calendar “Boobs on Bikes” came to Auckland.
If I said to you it involved a few topless women, a high street and leering men, you’d probably tell me you have that every Friday night in England. You’d be right. Have a guess how many people came to watch?
100? Nope, a few more.
1000? Again, a few more.
10,000? I told you nothing really happens here right?
100,000! Yep 100,000 people turned out to see about 20 topless strippers on bikes and a tank parading down the high street. About seven less than the whole population of New Zealand. Those seven were running late presumably, having been the last to leave and needing to lock up and turn off the lights.
Colleague: You want to come to Boobs on Bikes at lunchtime?
Me: What’s Boobs on bikes?
Colleague: It’s an event held by the Auckland porn baron in which strippers parade down the high street topless riding on Harley Davidson’s and Tanks and stuff.
Me: How many women?
Colleague: Usually about 4.
Me: How many people watch?
Colleague: Everyone.
Me: Why?
Colleague: No idea. But I heard some lesbians are planning to protest it and lie down in front of the tanks.
Me: Lesbian protesters? Sounds awesome. I’m in.
Colleague: Yeah there’s going to be some great heckling opportunities. No-one can spoil fun as well as lesbians.
This has been all over the press here and I believe it’s also be reported internationally. Probably the first time for NZ since securing a footnote in an Olympics Roundup article after a NZ athlete won a Bronze Medal in “hook the duck”, or Peter Jackson produced another 4hr long wooden puppet show that bizarrely get misclassified as a “movie”.
As a rookie kiwi, I approached this as a scientific researcher, looking to understand what it is to be kiwi. For me the fact that this research would involved topless women was completely irrelevant. I had on my lab coat, clipboard in hand, ready to dissect and diagnose the kiwi condition. What I saw surprised me.
What did I see? I saw was the whole of Auckland out supporting our local porn baron. Harking, I imagine, back to the days gone by when the whole town would come out to wave, unaware that they had other options, to the nobility of the town as they passed through on horses on their way to steal some more of the townsfolks’ land, or daughters.
Some said it was about women’s rights. Or about freedom of expression. Some called it a shameless promotional stunt to raise publicity for the Erotica convention taking place the next day, right here in Auckland. As far as I was concerned – unfair, unfounded accusations that this was anything but a commendable networking opportunity for young men and women to come together and share their mutual appreciations of the female form.
However links between the parade and erotica convention were there if you looked hard enough, such as the topless woman with the megaphone saying:
“Thanks everyone for coming we look forward to seeing you all tomorrow at the Erotica convention, at the asb raceground from 11am, tickets available on the door”.
But I guess it depends if you want to look that hard for links that are probably entirely co-incidental.
But the amount of press coverage has been really astounding. There is really nothing shocking about this parade, and if we all just looked the other way it would have blown past with little more than a few second glances and a couple of cat calls. We live in a world where we’re all only one google search away from finding a staggeringly large amount of breasts, or a whole plethora of far more outrage worthy things like a video of a midget dressed as michael jackson peeing on a donkey.
Which I haven’t checked, but I’m sure exists. Go ahead and look, but don’t tell me how it ends, I’m going to hold out for the DVD.
Yeah I know, but these women are real. Which must be better than the breasts of women on the internet right? Wrong. Real breasts come attached to real women and real women are a lot of work. Like plants they need to be fed, watered and talked to, they’re temperamental. Internet breasts on the other hand? They don’t even require a credit card anymore.
I guess I’ll skip next years, I’d advise the media to do the same. Well unless anyone mentions something about lesbian protesters lying in front of tanks, in which case step aside please my asian friends – scientist coming through.
If you want to see some pics (not mine) go here
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