In front of you….jobs. Flirting with their attractive paychecks, flaunting suggestively a big 20 days of holiday, ‘yeah I know I look good’- full pension and medical up in here. So you pick one. Now its all over. You’re committed. In a working relationship. The glory days are over. At the start it will be all nice during the honeymoon period. You’ll arrive on time. You’ll wear matching socks. You’ll eat with your mouth closed. But then they’ll start notice things about you. Firstly that you’re a moron. Secondly that your CV had lies of biblical proportions:

‘Good Team Player’ = Outsourcing and delegating is still valid team work right?

‘Highly Ambitious’ = Aims to come in 5 days a week.

‘Results Orientated’ = Takes only the tasks mundane enough to not warrant being fired when inevitably fucked up.

They’ll see you at your worst, hungover on a Monday. Asleep in meetings. Only able to type using one finger, your thumb.  Incapable of even using Powerpoint. That despite being an ‘advanced internet user’ you still look up the HTML code for a link.

So what can you do? Well not much. Keep your head down, your breath minted and pray that no-one notices that you have no idea what you’re doing. They probably won’t, luckily. As they’re doing the same thing as you.

We should just stop this whole charade. Lets just stop it now. Lets celebrate mediocrity! We can’t all be trailblazers, out to reinvent the wheelbarrow. If we were, the fast lane would be forever clogged and congested with high flyer’s. Lets celebrate life’s great underachievers, its car park attendants, its festering middle managers, pulling kindly into society’s slow lane. If we did then we could write truthful CVs and covering letters like this:

Adam Fletcher
General Sales/Marketing Bullshit
Global Evil Big Corp Tech

19th May 2008

Dear Boss to be,

Hi! My name is Adam Fletcher. I was just on my way back from trading my last cow for magic beans, when I saw your positions vacant advertisement for the job of ‘General Sales/Marketing Bullshit’. Even though that sounds like the worst job since fluffing, my rent is due soon and I do require food for the cat. I was hoping you might hire me and allow me to sit around the office, calling some people occasionally and trying to sell whatever crap it is that you make. I’m not a world beater or anything but I’m definitely okay at stuff. I’ll try and be on time and stay awake in meetings. If you like i’ll let you take credit for all my good ideas, should I have any. I’m also willing to tell you that even your shittest, most hair brained ideas are wonderful, if you like. So if you didn’t already employ some other blind lemming, and I’m not the worst applicant to apply, then how about we give it a go?

Thanks for you time and I hope to hear from you soon, so we can discuss this opportunity further. Please take the time to reject me personally. Rejection offends. Ignoration scars.

But that would be too easy wouldn’t it?