The Zig

How cool are you?

// June 4th, 2009 // Competitions

photo credit: New England Secession

Some people say coolness is a myth, they say its in the eye of the beholder (hang on no, that’s something else), they say the less you try the cooler you are, that coolness is just a state of mind, believe you are cool and you will be cool.

I say that sir, is now total bollocks.

Why? Well because scientists (okay actually a small nerdy bullied boy, which makes him a strong candidate to become a future scientist) has developed the definitive list of how to be cool (this was found somewhere and scanned in and circulated all over the net a few months back, its been sitting in my to blog folder ever since). I’ll present that for you now and then I want you to total up all your cool points (1 point per correct answer) and we’ll see who is the coolest reader of The Zig.

Everyone must comment there score, no exceptions, its like a game or something, only there is no prize except knowing you are cooler than all the people I know who like me enough to still read this blog me and my mum.

To the list then:

Motorcycles – I once tried to drive a moped in Laos, a country with almost no roads. I wobbled about, people laughed I got off went round the corner and rented a bicycle – 0 points

Wear Cologne – I don’t like aftershave, or smells manufactured by designer labels and sold for expensive amounts of money. We should all just smell stinky like the 99.99% monkeys that we are – 0 points

Move to Williamsburg – I’m going to be honest, I don’t even know where Williamsburg is. Shame on me – 0 points

Learn to speak European – Difficult to know where to begin with this gem. His grasps of Geography shows similarly stunted development to my own. I guess as a European, I can do this – 1 point!

Grow Facial Hair – If I were a superhero hair growth would be my superpower, in the time it takes me to write this sentence I can totally grow a handlebar moustache. Maybe I just did. Anyway – 1 point.

Helmets – I have no helmets, but then I don’t work in construction – 0 points

photo credit: saumilshah

Mohawk – Luckily the mohawk goes down the center of the head which is wear I have hair, although I suspect not enough to pull off a mohawk – 0 points

Designer Shades – When I bought my fancy new glasses (okay actually my parents bought them for me as a gift (thanks guys you rock)) I got a few pair of designer sunglasses! – 1 point

Subscribe to Vice – I’m assuming this is the magazine, I have only one subscription and that’s to Procrastinators Monthly it’s not arrived yet but I’m sure they’ll get to sending it tomorrow (Procrastinators monthly ha! See what I’ve done there, epic gag!!!) – 0 points

Psychrock –I hate psych and post rock, anything over 5:30secs is an abomination. Time is money people- 0 points

Leatherjackets – What you think I’m the Fonz? Never owned one, never will, unless I get that Motorbike and Helmet – 0 points.

Abercroombie & Flitch – I’ve seen this brand down the Sunday Market, quite affordable but I’ve yet to invest – 0 points.

Learn to play guitar – I bought a very cheap guitar in NZ, I learnt to play the riff to Smoke on the Water, on one string only, which I’m sure you’ll agree is worth half a point – .5 point

Irony – Like rain on your wedding day? Oh no wait that’s not actually ironic. I of course no all about sarcasm and irony as I’m English, we practically invented that school of humour – 1 point

Become a band photographer – You’ll now from viewing my photostream that while I take many photos I’m not a photographer. I have taken photos of bands, but I have also paid the banner to attend the gig where I took said photo, which I think doesn’t count – 0 points

Wear all black – In summer? Are you crazy? I would never wear black because I’m warm and sunny and as fun as chocolate mousse and birthdays – 0 points.

photo credit: Loren Javier

“Hollywood” – I’m pretty sure he didn’t need to put this in speech marks because I’m pretty sure it exists and is in LA and I’m pretty sure I went there on my first backpacking trip when I was 19 or something. It’s nice if you like gunshots, cockroaches and themed diners. I probably deserve a bonus point because I met Bruce Willis there. Okay I didn’t meet hum exactly but I saw him and I’m sure I could have met him if I had no problem jumping a red rope and getting arrest – 1 point

Online Friendships – You mean people still meet offline? How quaint! I live online, so this one is pretty easy. There are at least 10 people I communicate with on a daily basis that I’ve never met in real life – 1 point

360s – hum, this could be turning around repeatedly in a circle, or a skateboard move, or more likely owning an Xbox 360 which I’ve never done or would do – 0 points

Make your own movie – Now that is a good idea, I’ve been meaning to get into video editing and stuff. But for now I’ve made quite a few video’s so I’m going to give myself half a point for this – .5 points

Exxxtreme Everything – Everything by definition is not very specific, contain after all – everything. So I’m going to treat this as having a go large state of mind. When I go son, I go large I’m an all or nothing kind of guy so here I’ll give myself a point for my ample life gusto – 1 point

photo credit: David Masters

Eat More Meat – If you were to ask Annett for my most said expressions first would be “can you just shut up a minute” followed by “can you just stop being so German for 5 bloody minutes” followed by “A meals not a meal without meat” I truly believe this, there are very few people who eat meat with more frequency than me I would hypothesize. I basically only eat Bread, Meat and Potatoes – 1 point.

That’s Steve and we’re hanging out…

Hang out with Steve – I’m going to assume he is talking about my dear friend Steve Fox, the man the legend. Hanging out with Steve definitely makes you cooler, at any one moment he’ll be catching a fish with one hand (even if there is no water in sight and you have no fishing equipment he’ll just ask it nicely and in it will come), open you a beer with the other hand, while turning over the steaks on the BBQ with his toes and simultaneously telling you a riveting story about an Indian sewer cleaner – 1 point (if you have a friend called Steve who isn’t Steve Fox, you can also have a point and all of my sympathy).

10/23, respectable but with room for improvement. How did you do? Answers in the comments.

Possibly related, hopefully entertaining other posts:

• The Great Korean Wall of China
• So what’s it like living in Auckland pt 2 – Customer Service
• Germany’s next top political model
• long time no speaky