The Zig

Fun with Auctions

// April 8th, 2009 // Experiments, Internet Marketing, New Zealand

As we’ve a house full of stuff to get rid off, I’ve been pretty busy on Trademe (NZ eBay) this week. I thought it would be fun to do some experiments and see if I could drum up some interest based on interesting/entertaining texts for the items. I’d say the result was akin to being slapped repeatedly round the face with a wet kipper. Perhaps the texts were not entertaining enough, lets take a look

Vacuum Cleaner

This one was always going to be tricky, as vacuum cleaners are about as sexy as root canal dental operations. But then luckily Annett reminded me I used to call my old flatmate Arno the WG vacuum cleaner in account of  him eating the leftovers off of my plate, or from the side of the sofa, or out of the bin, anywhere really. With the whole man/vacuum cleaner thing in mind the rest was pretty easy:

“Women, are you tiring of your current partner?

Has he proved to be ineffective at daily household tasks? A little thick? Distracted by anything shiny? Let us introduce you to the latest technology from Japan – Sheffields Vacuum Cleaner aka the Husband 2.0!

Don’t delay, upgrade today. Replace your old husband with this new improved Husband 2.0, which incorporates all the features that made Husband 1.0 such a success*:
- Eats anything
- Magnet for hair
- Good around the sofa
- Always ready to ‘go’

But with revolutionary new features for a superior cohabitation experience:
- No interest in football
- “Monogamy”
- An off switch

Caution – Men, buying this for your girlfriend will not make you popular, and will make you obsolete.

Price of divorce not included.

*By success, we of course mean figure for ridicule.”

How’d it go?

This was a really good price (we didn’t pay much more for it new), so I’ll call this experiment a success!

Footstall

Often when people came round they dissed my footstall. I’m not sure why, I wouldn’t go round there house and rudely remark at the low brow reading material in the bookcase, or philosophy fridge magnets. I’d have the decency to wait and talk about them behind their back in the car on the way home, like a decent person. The savage mocking of my dear footstall made the concept for this one pretty easy, I’d market its perceived (incorrectly) ugliness and write a lonely hearts ad, who can resist the desperateness of a lonely hearts ad:

“Desperately seeking careful owner to give me new loving home. Me 800, 1ft 0′, off mucus green, GSOH, sturdy like turtle, just 68 careful owners. You weary, two feet, a desire to rest, crap lying around you don’t want to see anymore (side note, I’m too small for comfortable storage of husbands) for safe stashing in my roomy interior. Must have good heart to overlook disappointing physical appearance, covering of face with paper bag or cloth acceptable, as are smokers, beggars can’t be choosers….

I live in St Marys Bay, you must pick me up by Sunday 5th April as my current owners are moving to moving oversees and I don’t like to travel.”

This one is probably a reasonable price, but I hoped for more, so this goes down as a failure.

Grandma’s Rocking Chair

Of all the things I’ve purchased in NZ, this is my favourite. I’d sit for hours rocking away on the deck, a cold can of Dr Pepper in one hand, gentle contemplation in the other. Happier times. It cost me $20, but I always felt it was worth closer to $24. Some people jokes about this as well, that it was old, that they hoped it was fumigated after Grandma was finished with it. I decided to go a little wild on this one and see how a slightly more extreme/obscene fictional back-story might go:

“Oh how she loved this chair, or at least that’s what we thought until it turned out her back had given way and she was stuck. Who would have known sounds of pain and happiness were so similar. Possibly shouldn’t have left her alone for another week. Still, I’m digressing and she didn’t have long left anyway, the smell came right out so there was no harm down. Now, where was I? Oh yes, she loved this chair. Now you and your sturdier back can too.

We would suggest you place it on your front porch and rock back and forth muttering like the crazy lady from the Stand. A shotgun is not required to complete this look but it is desirable.

The chair must be picked up from St Marys Bay before the 5th April, look for the house with over-grown bushes and lots of cats. The throw and cushion are not included.”

It went down like a lead balloon in the Grand Canyon.

$0.50! My treasured possession is worth $0.50! I’d rather set fire to it than have another human soil its majesty for the price of $0.50. The funnier part is when earlier in the day I received this comment

and I replied:

This one I’ll chalk down as an utter failure.

Possibly related, hopefully entertaining other posts:

• So what happened to the zig?