An experiment in fiction.
// September 20th, 2010 // Not Serious, off-topic
I thought it was about time I try and write a little fiction. Here is my first attempt.
Simile Quarterly Autumn 2010
A letter from the Editor.
Brothers in allegory,
It is I Dr Van Der Kampf once more, like the proverbial bad penny I return to you, with another thrilling edition of Simile Quarterly (which cost you barely more than a bad penny due to its criminally low yearly membership fees but unlike an OAP telling a war story, I will not digress).
No doubt you associate receiving this fine publication as a child might a bicycle shaped christmas present, that is to say - with joyous enthusiasm. However, in just the same way the Police might break up the loud late night revelry of boisterous young folk, we have to interrupt our usual light hearted lexical banter to address you regarding a most serious matter! The misuse of our beloved simile’s….
Even a weapon as deadly as the English languages may have its sword blunted through repetition. This is precisely what is happening to certain similes.
The power of a simile to pluck the strings of ones imagination becomes reduced with each use. Remember last December at our yearly meeting where I described the atmosphere as being jubilant, “like a bbq with Jesus”. As a simile, rolled out like the reddest of red carpet for which your imagination may stroll – it deserved the warm applause it received. But were I to use “like a bbq with Jesus” (which you may, I only ask that you attribute it to me should it be received warmly by your conversation partners), every day, trivally to express my happiness at it being sunny, at there still being Orange Juice in the fridge, well it would become, to borrow another over used simile that emphasises my point well – damp like a squid.
Every day people, people without your linguistic flair and sensibilities simply do not understand this. Reveling in their ignorance, like a hedonist in a happy meal. It is up to us to educate them. Each time they are used like Superman near Kryptonite, similies lose their powers. What is left is nothing more than empty cliche. Non-speak. Hollow like a Chocolate bunny. Empty like a vacant apartment. Redundant like a laid off worker. Useless like my brother Toby.
Don’t believe me? Think I exaggerate as a teenager might of his sexual escapades? Consider this short story:
Last night I went to a pub. There I met a young lady, she was as good as gold, quiet as a mouse, cold as ice, deaf as a post. Just the way I like them. The atmosphere was electric. Cool as a cucumber, clean as a whistle, with the cunning of a fox…I approached.
She rejected my advances saying she was busy as a bee, and I dull as dishwater, mad as a hatter, the conversational equivalent of watching paint dry, slippery as an eel and when her boyfriend returned I would be Dead as a dodo, with the certainty of death and taxes.
Fear not young damsel, you and I are peas in a pod, I am brave as a button, proud as a peacock, tough as old boots, wise as an owl! Fearing only fear itself.
The boyfriend returned, I stood correctly. He was larger than life, big as a bull, strong as an ox. I ran as fast as the wind back to the bar. Where I drank like a fish, ate like a pig, smoked like a chimney, sang songs like an angel, retired (alone) to bed sleeping like a log, Steady as a rock, Flat as a pancake, feeling light as a feather having worked like a dog.
Today I awoke Blind as a bat, head clear as mud, looking white as a sheet, sick as a parrot, after a hard days night.
While I’m stretching of truths elastic band a little, it is not far from how the common man speaks these days. We must rid ourselves of such innane utterance. Since the Government has still resisted our pleas for the creation of a centralised Simile Taskforce we remain powerless to punish offenders. Should you overhear anyone, be them friend or foe, using such redundant phrasing I suggest you polite inform them you need such banality like you need a second hole in your anus. It is firm, but I believe still fair.
The English language has always been a most wonderful, wonderful gift. Lets not turn it into socks from grandma.
Revering you as always, as the sailor loves the sea,
Dr Van Der Kampf (BA Hons)
Possibly related, hopefully entertaining other posts:
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Michel
