I’ve been thinking about the end of the world. Some people might like to spend their time remembering peoples birthdays, doing washing, not being late, not losing everything. I’ve never been a fan of this so called “down to earth thinking” and instead prefer to occupy myself with questions a little more taxing for the grey matter. I’ve drawn a conclusion, airports. I haven’t exactly worked out how yet, but im 99.94% sure that airports will play a big role (like best supporting actor big) in the downfall of man.

(More in the full post)

How did I draw this conclusion? Well mainly Leipzig airport. Using Airberlin to visit the little overpopulated island I call home “england”, you have to spend a lot of time in Leipzig airport. Not just time, but dead time, time that shouldnt be spent awake, either very early in the morning 4am or late at night 1am (oh no wait thats early in the morning again?). At this point theres only you and a handful of germans on their travels in search of the queen.

Theres something very post-apocalyptic about being in that airport at those times. I think its the lights, I never knew what it would be like to be schizophrenic, the voices in my head that talk to me keep telling me what it will be like, but I dont listen, they have some funny ideas, kill him, kill her yadda yadda yadda. But sitting under those long airport lights I feel like a character from Fight Club, “i am Jacks lonely, self-indulgent blog”.

I’m no notradamus, but I’m sure at the end of our days, the downfall of man, the killer blow will be delivered at an airport. I’m not sure what it will be yet. Perhaps the vat of perfume worn by each female flight attendant will combine and mutate into some kind of killer death gas plague 2.0. Or not. Anyway, how it happens is not really relevant, how we stop it is. I think the problem is that we’ve all seen hollywood movies like independence day. We know that the solution that will save mankind cannot be thought of until the 11th hour. This knowledge has inserted a mental block in my head which has stopped me identifying and actioning a plan.

Its probably a good thing as in independence day you always have to wait until the ideas barrier has dropped, until there are absolutely no ideas left on the table, before you confidently stroll up and say, eh, ive got an idea, that drunk guy over there, why doesn’t he fly into it. Or how about we get a guy that digs for oil and his freak crew and fly them to land on an asteroid and dig a big hole in it. Thats the kind of idea that going to get you sent out to make the tea if you pitch it too early in the chaos. You’ve got to get them while their vulnerable, until all reserves of logic, reason and rational thinking have been depleted.

I tried a joke on my way back from standsted. I always set off the metal body scanner machine. I think even if I stripped down to just a smile I’d still hear the terrorist beep. From this i’ve concluded that its my beard. You see there are a number of ways to hijack or blow up a plane. Lots of sophisticated equipment, employee bribery, asking nicely. Its alot to try and detect. I have a theory that instead of looking for the equipment a terrorist uses they have gone for the one common denominator that all terrorists have. Think about it……. Burning hatred for america (check), belief in the afterlife (check), something else to complete the joke (check). Are these things detectable? Nope, what else do terrorist have in common? Facial Hair, bingo. Metal detection machines have now been replaced by facial hair scanners. This is why I set them off and I’m subjected to the rub-down.

It was during this rub-down that I attempted to be “funny”, an airport taboo. The rubber-downer asked “do you have anything sharp on you”? I replied “only my wit”. What followed was a glare icy enough to have sunk the titanic. Okay, its not the best joke in the world, sounds a bit arrogant, but I’m confident its the best response to that line he’d heard that day (and the best I could come up with on the spot). I’m also pretty sure your not allowed to punch someone in the stomach to see if they are “carrying prohibited materials”, but he assured me this normal procedure, i assume normal just for people with facial hair.