Beards – carpet for the face, central heating for the mind
// September 28th, 2009 // Comments // People
Hello reader of the Zig. How you been?
Its been a while since I stole 10 minutes of your employers time. So what have I been up to? Well I’ve had a pretty full calendar but my main project has been growing a beard. Is that really a project you might ask? Yes, I might tell you, okay, I will tell you, actually I just did tell you, pay attention please. You’ve been told.
To help put my achievement in context, lets take a moment to reflect on some of the truly great people who also had beards. The vaults of history are stuffed with outstanding people who like me now, have experienced the joy of having a portable face warmer.
You see growing a beard is much like cultivating a plant, in order to reach its full potential it needs love and attention. You should stroke it like one would stroke a dog, sing to it like one would sing to a baby. Many men try, but few men can succeed in growing something so traffic-stoppingly-ridiculous, so instantly-making-small-children-cry-visually-offensive that its worthy of being called a beard. I am just starting out on my long journey.
The interesting thing about beards is that they grow on you. HA!
I expect you think that’s the worst beard joke you’ve ever heard right? Wrong, I’m also going to throw at you – The funny thing about beards is that you become attached to them. HA! No double HA – HAHA!
I could carry on all day, but you know where I live and sometimes I don’t like that look you have in your eye, you know that ‘lets go to the roof and start shooting’ look, so I’ll stop.
I’ve never had a beard before. There are lots of things I’ve never done before so the fact that I hadn’t done this one didn’t automatically make it a looming priority. However the idea was loitering round at the back of my mind. It wasn’t high on my todo list, certainly not as high as say owning a gold toilet, or kicking an old person in the shin, more at the latter end of my Top 100 you might say. However, my little period of f-unemployment provided the perfect opportunity…
You see when you are in the working world its hard to grow a beard like this. Certain people can grow beards. By certain people I mean – fat people . They soften fat people up a treat, there’s a reason why every chubby Uncle has a beard. On him it says friendly dentist. On thin people like me, with likely but as yet unproven Jewish/Arabian roots beards it says public menace. Need proof? I live high on a mountain of it…..
Beardy Thin Person vs Beardy Fat Person
Now ask yourself, who from that gallery would you rather sit next to on the bus?
Everyone knows that wearing glasses makes you look smarter. It’s a fact and the sole reason I wear mine. Ordinarily I see better than an owl, on a mountain top with a telescope. But wearing glasses is an instant +10 on the perceived IQ scale, and so I wear glasses. This effect is not limited to just glasses though, there are several other items an individual can use to elevate their intellect right up there towards three figures. Here are my suggestions
So the big question is, can beards make you look smarter? No. Well, maybe. Ordinarily, no. But there are certain circumstances when, maybe.
For example twiddling your beard between your fingers, or stroking it attentively can give you an appearance of someone possessing a certain careful curiosity, comfortable and wise in pondering life’s big questions. However having a beard has had one possibly surprising discovery…women are attracted to beards.
I’ve never been gifted with women, they’ve usually observed me as one might observe gravity, acknowledged and present but not noteworthy. My previous compliment rate from the opposite sex has been
Years lived: 26
Compliments received from Women: 1 (hello again Mum, thanks again for sending me that Valentines card when I was 7, I still sleep with it under my pillow).
Yet in recent weeks a few more complements have rolled in much to my am/bemusement. It has to be the beard. I’m still as sucky as before, so nothing else has changed other than that I got a bit fatter on account of my only leaving the house on second Tuesdays that feature a number in the date considered lucky in at least two western cultures but excluding the number 7. So it could also be that.
But my moneys on the beard as that’s up top loud and proud like a facial flag of wonderous…?…ness. One look at my facial testosterone blanket and those ladies that don’t recoil in fear or run screaming “English Taliban, protect the children” are rendered powerless to resist. This doesn’t work on Annett of course, who looks at the beard like its something she accidentally trod in. In fact she disliked it so much she had to move 691kms away from it. But its her loss, I got something else to keep me warm on the lonely winter nights now. My lovely beard.
