Port O’Brien - I woke up today
I’m trying to write more, and read less. Here goes:
The one thing I value most about my relationship with Annett, as we are the least likely of pairings, a mere outlier on the compatibility scale, is her willingness to over-estimate her/my abilities with me. If I were to get up, open the curtains, see the birth of a fine day and declare “lets hike to the moon, I’ve heard its lovely this time of year!”. She’d be lacing her hiking boots before you could say “err, thats not actually possible”. Sure, its me that’s most likely to be picking the rollercoasters, but I never have to worry about riding them alone.
The rollercoaster we’re on now has just apexed from that boring suspenseful first uphill bit (is there a technical term for that?) and we we’re now tipping forward down the abyss towards a certain death….
When I decided to surprise Annett with a weekend away for her Birthday, hiring a car for what would turn out to be a 6hr drive to Lake Taupo, I overlooked certain facts
a) that I passed my test 3 years ago, and last drove three years ago.
b) Annett drives as infrequently, has never driven left hand drive vehicles, and finds the mere act of breathing a coordination challenge. Anything more complex descends her, and those around her, into utter chaos.
I’m sitting in the passenger seat of the little Japanese rental go-cart cart we’ve been issued. It’s the sort of thing estate agents paint pink to drive round city centers. On account of our total lack of driving ability I’ve purchased the most expensive insurance they had available. This means were we to crash they would pay us for inconvenience, and scramble a air force one to pick us up and fly us home. The downside being it costs more per day than the car.
The problem we’re having now is that coupled with our inexperience nature has added fuel to the fire, raising her middle finger squarely at us, delivering for the drive some of the heaviest rain I’ve ever seen down onto our windscreen. There’s no way I’d drive in this, so I’m glad Annett volunteered and together we’re trying to work out where the fuck the road went. Visibility? Well I’m pretty sure that directly ahead is the end of my nose, but I can’t see it.
I actually feel ill with worry, giving me a taste of what its like to not be a wall of indifference. It’s horrible. To top it off the stereo is now playing Andrew Birds “Fiery Crash” from my ill-thought out mixtape- chorus - “you know you’ve got to envision, the fiery crash”. Envision, Andrew? E N V I S I O N?!?! Shouldn’t be too hard, I’m been finding it hard to envision anything but fiery crashes for the past 200k’s!
Somehow after just a barbers convention full of close shaves our little rented go cart arrived in Taupo in one piece. Annett was a trooper, driving the whole way, but by the end I could see her concentration was waining. I suspect other drivers on the road noticed it as well as I grabbed the wheel to subtly remind her she was about to go round the roundabout the wrong way (which she’s now blocked from memory and refuses to believe).
Our hostel was pretty good, had a big kitchen, sitting area, movie room. I took the opportunity to barge into the movie room and interrupt the movie which questions like
“what movie is it?” Ah okay, I’ve seen it.
“can I buy beer anywhere round here?”
Suspecting we weren’t welcome anymore in the movie room we walked into “town”. Being a Friday night we expected…well actually after such a long trip I would say DEMANDED a place to consume hard, hard liquor amongst the company of interesting people. If Taupo center had bars they were closed, if Taupo has people, they were closed. Eventually we found a bottle shop, where the owner must have been as bored as we were as he sort of latched onto us and took the opportunity to share his well-over-the-border-line-racist-world-view. I forget exactly what it was, but I remember something about bashing the English, US, Maori’s etc etc. Ending with “why of all the places in NZ, did you pick to move to Auckland?”, which is a valid question from anyone who’s ever been there and the only valid answer is “jobs”, which I guess is not an issue in the liquor trade. Taupo was dead, a cheap paperback novel ghost town. So back to the hostel to consume our booze.
Usually I’m a big fan of backpackers, but whether it was a bad night, or just a too young crowd, our advanced age or all three but we lasted about 5 minutes drinking in the kitchen. After that the shouting, pointless drinking games, giggling and conversational gems of
“fuck you, i’m 21 and i’ve already been in rehab for two fucking years”, from the ‘we’re the first people to ever do this sort of traveling’ sort of backpackers began to grate.
The next morning we were up early for my surprise birthday gift, which was promptly canceled due to bad weather. Instead we visited a natural spa complex. For that to make any sense I’d better explain to you about Taupo. Taupo is a volcanic lake of unsurprisingly, being from volcanoes, hot water. All around it are spa’s which allow you to bathe in natural mineral water from the plumbing of mother earth. Our spa had a set of 4 pools at different temperatures ranging from “stew” to “scolder” which were a lovely way to pass some of a depressing overcast day. Then we discovered the private baths and got to shut the door to our own slice of volcanic 39.5′ bliss.
Meanwhile a few more calls to our secret activity revealed it was still canceled due to adverse weather 
So instead, lunch, more driving round the sights (my driving day this time) before checking in early to my other birthday surprise gift - a five star apartment for the evening.
The place was the epitome of luxury, palatial even. I guess Annett has photos up, I’m running behind with the picture uploads at the moment. Our apartment boasted a master suite, a wide deck, open plan living room, dining room and kitchen equipped with two dishwashers (?!) two plasma TVs (again ?!), plus the best of all, an outdoor private hot tub from which to enjoy views of Lake Taupo.
Easily the nicest place I’ve ever stayed in, by about 4*’s. It was so nice you immediately wanted to defile it, to walk straight in and take a crap on the coffee table. Anything to assert your dominance on the place, to bring it down to your vastly more common level. To say, “hey, good looking. I’m still the boss here!”. I declined, and instead got into bed to watch my plasma, but the thought was there.
The evening was full of couple bonding as you might expect, cheekies in the hot tub, a stroll around the lake (it really was hot to touch) in which we narrowly avoiding a duck and swan attack. Then room service. The next day we waited patiently for confirmation we could do my special final surprise which I guess I need to give more detail about now, it was a tandem skydive, but gale strong winds ruled that out (yet again). So we watched the bungee-ers, then heading back to do the long drive in daylight this time.
The driving had been going well up until this point. In daylight the journey home was much better, with beautiful scenery the whole way. Bright sunshine, green everywhere, all good. The relative calm must have affected Annett who decided to open up the engine of our little clown car on a particularly pleasant stretch of the motorway. Getting up to a dizzying 160kms, on a 100km limit road, reminiscing back to her old autobahn days. Luckily I spotted the police car sitting in the hard shoulder, and rapid braking got her clocked at 121kms, enough for a hefty fine, and only 14kms/h short of a court hearing. I particularly enjoyed her
“do you think thats for me” after the police car waited for us to pass, immediately put on his siren then came out of the hard shoulder following us, flashing its lights
“yep, I think so” I replied.
“what should I do?”
“erm….floor it bonnie! How about, pull over?!”
And pull over we did, and ticket, plus giggles we got.
Getting home I felt a little aged by the trip, but reminded of the buzz of traveling again, after a few months of staying put. Once the weather improves they’ll be plenty more weekends away, spas, speeding tickets and duck invasions to look forward to. Though lets hope next time its less easy to envision the fiery crash.